The Stuttering Believer

The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, ‘Abba, Father.’ The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. – Romans 8:15-16

Every Christian I ever came in contact with throughout my life told me how much God loved me in one version or another. I would respond politely initially so they would leave me alone, thinking to myself, what does “God loves you” even mean? If they decided to press the issue, I had a whole arsenal of responses and clapbacks waiting to unleash that would surely shut them up. As a believer, I now reflect on those moments and wonder what the root of my issue was with the assertion that God loved me.

Two important clues can be found in the scripture, one in the story of the prodigal son in Luke 15:20-24 “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.” and another in Matthew 7:9-11 which says “Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will givehim a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Fatherwho is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!”  Both of these passages highlight the love of an earthly father and show how much more remarkable the love of our heavenly Father is. Sounds good right? Here’s the problem, I don’t think I can relate to or understand the love of an earthly father. Of course, I have the utmost respect for my father as the provider of one half of my DNA, and based on that, I can intellectualise his importance in my life. Still, due to the lack of any real, meaningful relationship, I’m not so sure about what earthly love from a father is even supposed to feel like.

Much like in many romantic relationships where one party is unable to receive the love of another due to some latent issue with one or both parents, my daddy issues impacted my ability to recognise and accept God’s love. My earthly father not playing much of a role in my life made it difficult to understand why I needed a heavenly Father in my life. I remember being bullied in school, feeling lost and overwhelmed, and wishing I had someone to turn to. My father wasn’t there to guide me through those moments. When I faced my first sexual encounter, I was left to navigate the confusion and emotions on my own, without the wisdom or support of a father figure. When I turned six, my father remarried and became a model father and husband to his new family. I remember watching from a distance, wondering if something was wrong with me. Why couldn’t he be that way with me? This sense of abandonment and inadequacy planted deep seeds of resentment and confusion. How could I understand or accept the love of a heavenly Father when my earthly father seemed to have little interest in me? As far as I was concerned, I became a man all on my own despite my earthly father not being there, so why did I need a heavenly Father, especially one that seemed to be more of a compassionless, disciplinarian killjoy than anything else?

Looking back now, I see that my resistance to understanding God’s love was deeply rooted in the fact that I had a God-sized hole in my heart and a Holy Spirit-sized space in my soul but God is love, and love heals all wounds. God was showing me his love this entire time by being merciful after all the times that I was disobedient, putting my salvation first while I was busy putting my fleshly desires first and plucking me out of darkness to show me light. Despite there being billions of Christians globally, he was still interested in me. As Paul writes in Romans 5:8-10  – “But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life.” As I began to open my heart, even slightly, God met me right where I was. It wasn’t an overnight transformation, but rather a gradual unveiling of what it means to be truly loved. I started to realize that God’s love wasn’t contingent on my understanding of it, nor was it dependent on how deserving I felt. His love was there all along—unchanging, unwavering, and deeply personal.

This journey has shown me that God’s love isn’t just a concept to be intellectually understood—it’s a reality to be lived and experienced. It heals, restores, and transforms in profound ways that nothing else can. As I walk this path of faith, I do so with the confidence that I am loved beyond measure, and that this love is shaping me into the person I was always meant to be. For those still wrestling with the concept of God’s love, I encourage you to take that first step in opening your heart. You may find, as I did, that the love you’ve been searching for has been relentlessly pursuing you, waiting for the moment you let it in.