The Stuttering Believer

“He replied, ‘Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.’” – Matthew 17:20

There is a common idea held by many unbelievers that Christians have what is considered to be blind faith. This blind faith idea is quite interesting because it suggests that, as Christians, we are unable, through our blindness, to recognise the untenable and downright ridiculous nature of our beliefs. Much like a blind person is unable to see an approaching element of danger. As a former unbeliever myself, I used to look at Christians as borderline crazy. Like most of the culture, my brain did the mental gymnastics of ultimately accepting God but somehow not acknowledging or even calling him God. Instead, I would use words terms like “the universe” and “karma” while hypocritically thinking that Christians were crazy for believing in the talking spirit based on this book with so many holes in it. I understand the thinking behind the whole blind faith assertion because I used to accuse Christians of the same thing in my life BC (before Christ). However, now, as a proud believer, humbled by the fact that I was even given the opportunity to join God’s kingdom after living such a life of wanton abandon, I vigorously and with the entirety of my chest state that my faith is very much 20/20.

Since becoming a Christian, I have grappled with my own questions about faith and have started the process of mental reprogramming to remove much of my pre-held ideas about walking in faith. As Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” My own understanding has led me to ask questions that really just end up complicating what is really a simple issue. I remember a season in which I wasn’t “hearing” from God as I used to and thought I should and started getting frantic about whether I had somehow done or said or forgot to do or say something that had disappointed God and causehim to go radio silent on me. This scared me out of my wits because life without God’s love has no point and serves no purpose. Especially coming from the life I was living prior to being saved, nothing is more cherished to me than my salvation. God saw it fit to redeem an expert scoundrel like me. In all of this I was blind to the fact that this was the enemy trying to plant seeds of doubt in my mind. Around the same time, I started watching podcasts about lukewarm Christians and the idea that the Holy Spirit can be quenched in some believers despite their being saved. This had my brain going in all different directions, and as the enemy had hoped, it caused me to withdraw from God. Days would pass without me even looking at a piece of scripture, and my morning devotion would dwindle to not even a prayer. The enemy was getting what he wanted, trying to be slick as always. As we are encouraged in Proverbs 15:22: “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.”  I sought the wise counsel of my discipler, telling him how distant I was feeling from God and how remorseful I was to have done anything to silence God’s voice in my life. He reminded me that the whole point of faith is that it exists even when we may not see or hear from God. Through a relationship with God and understanding his heart, we can have faith in knowing that in those moments when we feel like he isn’t with us, he will never forsake us. 

I reflected on Hebrews 11:1, “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” My discipler was right. It’s easy to have faith when you see evidence of God working in your life, but what about when he doesn’t answer every time you call on him? In my case, I realised that God was trying to build my faith. I was being tested and was about to be on the verge of failing. The test was to see which direction I would run to when I stopped hearing from God. Would I run closer to him and live boldly, knowing his love for me is unconditional, or would I run away from him through false feelings of abandonment? I chose to run closer to him. The solution lay in the very things that had attempted to keep me distant from God. 1 Thessalonians 5:17 tells us, “Pray without ceasing.”, maintaining communication with God even when it feels like you’re not getting a response. Persistent prayer shows trust and dependence on Him. Romans 10:17 says, “Consequently, faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word about Christ.” Isaiah 55:8-9 says,  ” ‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.’” Here, Isaiah encourages us to trust that God’s timing is perfect, even when it doesn’t align with our expectations. Trust that He knows what’s best and will speak or act at the right time. He may not always be there when we call, but he is always on time. 

If you are currently going through a similar season where you feel like God has forgotten about you, here are a few tips to keep you focused on God and the enemy very upset.

Maintain Faith and Hope: Hold on to your faith, knowing that God is faithful even when you can’t see or hear Him.

Engage in Worship and Praise :
Psalm 22:3 – “Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One; you are the one Israel praises.”
Worship can shift your focus from your current circumstance to God’s greatness, helping to realign your heart with His presence.

Be Still and Wait on the Lord:
Psalm 46:10 – “He says, ‘Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.’”
Set aside time to reflect and be still before God, creating space to listen and wait for His voice without rushing or forcing a response.

Remember Past Faithfulness:
Lamentations 3:22-23 – “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”
Reflect on times when God has been faithful and his voice has been your guide. This can encourage you to trust that He will do so again.

Continue to Obey and Serve:
Galatians 6 – “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”
Keep living out your faith by serving others and following God’s commands, even in the silence.